Staff

Adolescent Issue Sue E. Gostanian, MA, MS, LPC

Q: Dear Sue: I grew up in a family of six children and have wonderful memories of my childhood. I’m still close to my brothers and sisters and our extended family holidays are special for us all. I always wanted to have a family of my own, and looked forward to being the mother of happy kids, just like we were. I don’t know what went wrong! My three children, (9, 8 and 6) fight day and night. They taunt each other, refuse to share, and engage in verbal and physical combat. They tattle on each other incessantly and I cannot settle one dispute before the next war begins. It’s always two against one. When I try to reason with one child, the other accuses me of taking sides against him. My husband, Lee, says to stay out of their disputes, but he isn’t around when they start fighting and hitting each other. I’m on edge all the time. My home is like a combat zone and their behavior is escalating. What am I doing wrong? My Mom never had to referee like I do, and we all seemed to get along and love each other. I don’t agree with Lee. I think if he got involved and tried to settle the disagreements, we might be able to restore peace. What do you think? Ellen

A: Dear Ellen: I think if something doesn’t work (you’re trying to settle the children’s disputes), you shouldn’t do more of it (insist Lee do the same). Let’s try something different. Your children are not settling their arguments because they bring their issues to you. They’ll never learn to compromise or cooperate with each other if you keep acting like the judge. This sounds like a long standing pattern of behavior with your children. Their disputes have to be settled between themselves, not escalated to the next level. These children are locked in a power struggle and they seem to know how much it distresses you, so they try to get you on THEIR team to add to their power base. Ellen, you and Lee need to set down a few new rules for your children. Tell them they don’t have to play with each other. If they do, it’s their choice and anyone can stop playing if they’re not enjoying the game. Their disputes are their problems to solve, not yours. If they argue, walk away. DON’T MEDIATE. If any child gets physical with another, you will get involved. The consequence for hitting is a time out – and it’s not negotiable. Family members do not hurt each other. As a parent, point out that they might not always agree with a friend, but they don’t slug their friend if they don’t get their way. If your children do fight physically, do not permit them to play together for the remainder of the day even if they want to. They might be more inclined to negotiate rather than fight if they know that they’ll be denied access to each other. Ellen, I think your siblings and you were probably not as peaceful as you remember; your Mom might remember some pretty turbulent times. I think your children have not learned to cooperate with each other because they haven’t had to. You’ve been trying to recreate your memory of your childhood for them. Get them involved in building their own relationships.

Family Issue Sue E. Gostanian, MA, MS, LPC

Q: Dear Sue: I have tried for years to repair the rift in our family. Barry and I have four children and have tried to be loving to all of them. We’ve tried to treat them all the same and encourage them to love and support each other. Our 15 year old son, John, manages to wreak havoc in our family and undo all our attempts to come together as a caring family unit. He seems to enjoy turning one brother against another and he blames me for the fights, even though I try to make peace and appease John. John is nice to his friends, but is hateful to his family. He tries to single out his youngest brother, Steven, to join him in stirring up conflict with his siblings. Steven is a peacemaker like I am, and is feeling the stress of being a mediator. We’ve gone to family therapy several times and John pretends to participate in the sessions, saying he tries to make things better. He claims we all gang up on him and he’s the victim. The last session ended when he stormed out telling the therapist there’s nothing wrong with him and he’s not coming back unless we all change. I feel guilty for admitting this, but sometimes I want to send John away to finish high school at a boarding school. My husband says he’ll go along with my decision, but I feel like a monster for disliking my own child! Delia

A: Dear Delia: There are two layers to this problem: your feelings (and your guilt for feeling the way you do), and the stressors threatening the emotional health of this family. It is possible to love a child on one level, while you dislike and resent his behavior on another. You have tried to encourage peace between brothers and access help through family therapy, so don’t feel guilty. The second layer, the emotional health of the entire family, is where you and your husband need to focus. You are not a single parent, although you seem to initiate the solutions. Both you and your husband have to consider the needs of the entire family. It is not appropriate to sacrifice the emotional health and happiness of five people to support one child’s need to divide and conquer. John’s behavior gratifies only him. Unless he can behave in a way that doesn’t hurt his brothers, you might have to reconsider your hopes for family unity and find solutions that satisfy John’s need for separateness, while restoring peace for all. You and your spouse need to continue therapy together. Stop being the only decision maker and spokesperson. That’s why John blames you. Focus on what you both feel benefits the whole family unit. Once you both determine the needs for your family, invite your children to participate in sessions to restore harmony. If John CHOOSES to participate, you all have a fresh start. If John needs a period of separateness (he might want to consider boarding school), he might benefit from a different environment, especially if it’s his choice. At any rate, Mom AND Dad determine what benefits the family. John’s hurtful behavior is not compatible with the family’s needs, only his need to hold the family hostage. A fairly drastic solution might actually work!